equity, fairness, and other such impossiblities

To C:

You wrote about wanting equality, wanting some kind of fairness, despite class/money differences. And when I called you from the hospital, I wasn't thinking very clearly. But four hour afternoon naps are excellent for one's perspective, and I came through with some thoughts about that:

It felt good to be able to depend on you to be there with your car, your computer, your patience and comfort and shoulder-rubbing goodness.

Although I was a little bit worried about keeping you away from whatever your daily plans were, I wasn't really stressing out about it.

I thought of my friendship with D, and how things always seemed kind of unequal between us: he always drove because I had no car, he often ended up feeding me, or letting me crash at his house during school breaks. I used to spend hours thinking of ways to "make it up to him," wanting to return all those things he could give me, to show that I cared. And I did: I cooked for him, I helped him clean his house and move, went on errands with him, etc. And all of these things felt good to do because I liked being around him and because I felt useful and wanted.

You said something last night that made me remember all this, and notice some similarities. I don't remember your wording, but it was something about how you like being needed. And part of me was glad that I could ask you to come be my hospital hero, glad that there was something for which I needed you. Because I know how that feels.

But part of me also thinks something about that dynamic is really unhealthy, this little capitalist-mindset exchange thing. And the solution to that probably has more to do with unlearning capitalism than with examining classism. Maybe?