A letter to someone who is not Davey

heya, it's davka.  i, by chance of sitemeter,
saw your homework blog
and i wanted to let you know
that if you want to talk to me about class,
you can feel free.  i saw that you
wanted to talk to a friend about it
and felt like it would cause problems-
it's difficult to talk about
things, about difference. 
i loved the poem about working in the country.
good stuff.  anyway, let me know- we can't go wrong. 
we can have patience and understanding.

Dear Davka,

I didn't mean for you to find this blog. I didn't mean for anyone to find it, actually. I gave Allie the address so she could check it, but I only did that so I'd be sure to post in it every single day. But I'm not afraid to be messy around Allie, not afraid to show all my hurt and ignorance and general incoherence.

I thought about what might happen if one of my friends with queerphobic/antisemitic/misogynistic leanings and a lot of privilege were to start a blog about their issues, and their journey. I thought I might congratulate such a person on starting what promises to be a rough and tumble journey, but that I might not want to read about it. And then I thought fuck, of course I'd want to read it. Part because I'm nosy, but part because this person is actually committing to at least writing about their shit. And so, I'm not going to ask that you stop reading it.

I'm going to try and not be so embarrassed about my shit. This is hard, especially since I've had some serious rage directed at me, and I'm usually all too happy to go feel guilty for days or weeks on end. It's an ugly, destructive, paralyzing guilt. I keep thinking that if I reiterate those words - ugly, destructive, paralyzing - it might sink in, and I might spend less time feeling guilty, and pretending that will help. I'm going to try and remember that processes like these are messy and ugly for everyone, and I'm going no slower or faster than I "should" be. After all, that's what I'd tell another person, particularly a stranger.

Thanks,
~Dane