the ugly

a piece of freewrite I did about a day before I started this blog:

the ugly is here.
the ugly rests under the first layers of my skin,
crawls along my veins like ivy. it weighs heavy.

the ugly hurts. it gets in the way
of conversations with best friends
and coffee shop baristas

the ugly seems impenetrable.
i imagine i need an army of
pickaxes and bulldozers and theoretical
artillery.

but the ugly does not give way in the face of violence.
instead, it is strengthened and bolstered, every bullet plugging some crack or hole...

how can i dismantle the ugly
if it's in me? how do i not break?
and if i do break, how will i put myself back together?

certainly, if i blast the ugly, i'll break.
so how do you destroy that which is so far inside you

you can't even see it?